As I sit here and contemplate the journey we've been on for the last 16 years, I can see how through all the ups and downs, through the muck and mire and through the blessings and provisions there has always been one constant and steady presence through it all. God.
There were many times I recall wondering where He was, why had He abandoned us or even allowed that situation or that certain person to do/say the things he/she did? Yes, I played the "Why me?" card. I didn't understand why this could be happening to us. Afterall, weren't we doing the right thing? Hadn't we given up enough and followed You to the hilt? Aren't we making the right decisions and choices? Where did I/we go wrong?
I have even lost friends because of it all. Friends not willing to stick around because they were afraid of me being too real, too raw. Afterall, wasn't I the one supposed to be there for them when they were feeling down, lost or confused? I was the pastor's wife, they needed me, not the other way around! I felt abandoned, lonely and even at times wanting my husband so badly to not be a pastor anymore. The pain was too much.
It hurt to watch it ripple through the house and create raw, oozing sores in our children. The damage was done. Those wounds have left scars. You know, like those scars that are left where skin was actually removed and left a lump resembling a welt. Some of those scars imprinted and damaged the nerve core of some of my children and have made them to question their faith, their religion, and yes even God. A few have even stopped attending church because of it.
Ministry is one of the hardest undertakings for a family to take hold of. Many of us go in thinking we can make big changes, move lives, save lives! Failing to realise that we cannot neglect our ministry at home at the expense of church and ministry.
Our family has stretched and grown and some have grown stronger and some have even shriveled a bit because of ministry. It's hard not to internalize and wonder if it's worth it all? But I am reminded of that constant, the One Who remains through it all, The One Who has seen it all and knows the outcome. I just need to remain faithful. Faithful in my prayers, faithful in my loving and guiding and nurturing of my children, faithful in my church and Bible reading. God will do the rest. He will work on those scars He will mend the broken and downtrodden.
If I had just been quiet and silent and trusted and allowed Him to do His work rather than jumping in and wanting to do it my way because He wasn't doing it the way I thought it should be done.
Had I known then, what I know now ( isn't that cliche'?) but it's so very true. God uses even our low times, the times we feel we can't go on, the times we at our lowest. God uses those times to shape and mould us into the vessels He can use. All only because of His grace and the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives. If we keep Him as center and read His word we will grow in wisdom and discernment the more we rely and trust in Him and believe full heartedly that He knows best and He knows the outcome.
In the meantime I will just continue to be His servant, His vessel and pray the His will be done.
One big 'upside' (to being a pastor's wife) I've experienced is the fact that it has driven me repeatedly back to Scripture, the Psalms in particular. As offenses and attacks multiply, the choices for refuge reduce to two: depression or a turning (in desperation) to God's Word. When I read His Word out of desperation, it takes root in a more profound way and over time heals and repairs. I don't know that I would cling as tightly to this Word if I had not needed it as much...
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